Why My AuDHD Brain Thrives on Slow Communication (And Yours Might Too)

A long time ago, a women’s pen-pal group popped up in my Facebook suggestions. I was intrigued, and so I joined, but I was a silent lurker for a long time. I watched the introductory posts that the other women made when they were seeking penpals, and I fantasized about what mine would look like, but I wasn’t sure if I could handle replying to the letters. So I just watched from the sidelines. 

And then, one day, suddenly, my ADHD kicked in, and I spontaneously wrote and posted that first intro post. 

Yes, just like that. When you have an AuDHD brain, one day, you find something impossible, and the next day, you are surprised that you are suddenly doing it. Like that time I was sad that I would never ever be able to travel solo, and the next day, I was suddenly buying flight tickets that were on sale. I bet you know what I’m talking about. It’s the contradictory AuDHD nature, constantly catching us off guard. Well, at least our lives are never boring. 

I was scared. I was scared about how I would be able to handle this kind of communication. I was scared of the strangers in the group, trying to become friends. And I was scared the most of my own capacity, or more exactly, the lack of it. I was scared the emotional intensity would be too much for me. 

I didn’t need to fear. 

I got a slew of replies and sent a letter to every single person who wrote to me. And I found I was enjoying it. 

I have discovered, to my pleasant surprise, that I have taken to pen-paling like a fish to water. The asynchronous communication that the letters represent is actually really friendly to my nervous system, and I find it very fulfilling. 

Who knew that an AuDHD brain thrives on a way of talking that doesn’t require an instant reply? I’m always so stressed when I need to chat with someone online, to write a reply straight away when I would like to take the time to think about it. The letters allow me this time to think. They let me write when the inspiration strikes, wait when it doesn’t. They are peaceful. 

It’s really a perfect hobby for me. A perfect way of socializing, of trying to forge connections. Who cares that said connections are half a world away? 

Nowadays, I receive a new letter every few weeks, and when I do, I’m happy that I can take another step in getting to know someone and letting myself be known, write another reply, ask more questions, tell them about myself. 

I take pleasure in decorating the envelopes, picking out stickers that will make my pen pals smile, drawing an occasional picture just for them. 

I sit down in the evening with my stack of letter paper and a hot tea, and slowly string together thoughts and sentences. I’m one of those people who think through their hands, and that goes double for using pen and paper. I’m amazed at the thoughts appearing in front of me because they formed in my mind at the same moment I was writing them. I’m getting to know myself through this process, too. 

During my pen pal journey, I have found amazing, compassionate people that I clicked with right away, and people with lives, and more importantly, ways of thinking very different from mine. Many people keep only the pen pals they “click” with, but I keep replying to the second kind, too. I take it as a learning exercise. As training myself to find something common even in the differences. To get exposed to different ways of being. To different kinds of thoughts. And I respect that they took the time to write to me and try to respond in kind. 

Of course, there are some boundaries I have set from the beginning. I outlined them in my introduction post. I wrote honestly about my neurodivergence and mental health struggles, saying I’m trying not to make my life about them, but that they will inevitably be present in my writing. I asked that only open-minded people reply, and that I don’t want to deal with people who don’t support the LGBTQ community or with religious fundamentalists. 

One of the beautiful things about this pen pal group is that people don’t harass you over your boundaries. There are very devout Christians, and there are convinced pagans and witches. There are women from both the left and right of the political spectrum. And you just scroll by those who you don’t connect with and find those you do.

I have even found an online friend through this group, something I always wanted but never knew how to do. I’m absolutely hopeless when chatting online with strangers. I don’t know what to say, I’m awkward, and I’m stressed. I really didn’t know how people were doing it, but somehow, it happened on its own. I had so much in common with one woman that we exchanged some messages, at first about the letters sent, later writing more and more, until we were diving deep into our lives. Once, we were talking about deep topics and about how often our trash gets taken out at the same time, and she told me, “See, that’s what’s amazing about talking with you. We can talk about the literal garbage.“

We send each other small surprises in the mail and check on how the other is doing regularly. I know I can tell her anything, anytime. There is always a compassionate ear on the other side of the blue Messenger icon. My letters to her reach thirty pages or more. I have to explain to the confused post office worker every time that no, there isn’t anything else in the envelope (that resembles a brick) other than the letter and some stickers. 

Recently, I got a miniature color photo printer. I wished for it for Christmas, but got it in advance in the Black Friday sale, and under the guise of testing if it’s exactly how I imagined, I started using it right away. And I’m super happy with it. I love sending my pen pals snapshots from my life. The pictures of my rats, the pictures from my hiking trips and walks, the pictures from my travels, and from my daily life. 

And I love getting a snapshot of their lives back. The pictures of their pets, names, or favorite books, pressed flowers they found on their walks, stickers with quotes they found meaningful.

There is beauty in asynchronous communication. In using pen and paper, and the occasional sticker. In sharing the tiny moments that make me smile, represented by the photos. In carving out a small, creative moment, something that is in short supply currently, just to make a tiny piece of art to make someone smile.

I’m so happy I took the chance.

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