It has nothing to do with character.
We often imagine that some people have a lot of willpower, while some have less. We judge people on this basis. That is a terrible oversimplification. The same person has varying amounts of willpower throughout their day and throughout their life.
There aren’t weak-willed people, there are just weak-willed periods and moments. Everyone has them. And they don’t mean anything bad. It’s absolutely normal not to have 100% energy and motivation to charge into doing things all the time.
You can be apathetic during episodes of depression, struggle to wash your hair, clean your place, or even get out of bed. In a different stage of life, you can give your everything to a job or a hobby you love.
Also, it’s absolutely normal to have more motivation for the things you enjoy and less when it comes to difficult and boring tasks. That goes double for people with ADHD because we are very interest-motivated.
You can have “a lot” of willpower and “a little” willpower at the same time – it’s in the eye of the beholder, and it’s an illusion. People can give everything to one thing in their lives – like raising the kids – and therefore have much less to give to others parts of their lives, like a job. They are seen as weak by some standards, while they are strong by others.
The same goes for people with mental or other invisible illnesses. We have to expend a LOT of willpower just to go through our daily lives. We can seem weak from the outside – unless you are aware of the terrible, energy-draining mental states we go through every day. When you go through a lot, you may not have enough willpower for day-to-day tasks, because you are already giving your all to survival.
And it’s even more complicated. Imagine a person with depression. They struggle with day-to-day tasks. Would you say they have very little willpower? But they keep getting up every day while suffering terribly. Would you say they have great willpower? Which one is it, then?
I believe a person can’t be reduced to a certain amount of willpower. We are more complicated than that. The willpower comes and goes in waves. Sometimes you are high, sometimes you are low. It’s a natural cycle, like sleep. Sometimes you are sleepy, sometimes you are wide awake.
I believe that sometimes, everyone is strong, and sometimes, everyone is weak. We should have more understanding and compassion for people who are going through the natural stage of weaker willpower – and we should have more compassion for ourselves when we do.
Be kind to yourself when your mental reserves are depleted. It means that you have expended a lot of willpower lately. It means that now, it’s time to rest.
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Are you a walking contradiction?
Having an AuDHD brain is a challenge. You fit some criteria for both autism and ADHD, but you don’t find yourself in them, not completely.
In some things, you are the complete opposite of autism. In some ways, you are the complete opposite of ADHD. And you always want two different things at once. You are constantly pulled in two completely opposite directions.
It’s exhausting. And difficult to navigate.
In the ebook AuDHD Experience, I talk about the constant inner conflict. About autistic days and ADHD days. About the AuDHD burnout and why it’s so hard to get out of it. About balancing these two very different sets of needs – and about self-acceptance, despite the odds. If you want to feel that someone gets you, this ebook is just the thing for you. Check it out now!
