When you are AuDHD, you can have a lot of contradictory tendencies. Autism wants one thing, but ADHD wants the exact opposite. I have some days that are more autistic, and some days that are more ADHD. So, how does it all combine together in one AuDHD brain? Here is a tongue-in-cheek description of how my ADHD days and autistic days usually go. I hope it will make you laugh (and relate) a bit.
AuDHD brain wakes up:
The brain wakes up. Autism wants to hide under the blanket and escape the world. ADHD starts to have a million thoughts a minute until it lands on some unpleasant memory. Then I launch from the bed in an attempt to escape it. (I had to observe this happening over and over because I wasn’t aware why I was jumping out of the bed suddenly all the time.)
AuDHD morning routine:
This is a time for my autism and autism alone. I rigorously follow my routine: I make tea (two small cups of strong pu-erh), mix my breakfast oats with hemp protein, take out my yoga mat, and do my stretching routine. When I finish it, the tea is just the right temperature, so I sit in the armchair facing the window, sip on the tea and let my brain run on autopilot.
And now comes the time for my ADHD! It can have alll the thoughts it wants. I often start thinking about my next blog post and get to the history of the universe and back in the span of five minutes.
When I’m having an autistic day, now comes breakfast and then writing my morning pages. I open my notebook, mark down the date and then write a page or two of whatever goes through my head. It’s a method for connecting with your creativity from Julia Cameron’s book The Artist’s Way, but I use it also as a method of relaxation, releasing emotions, and reflecting on my thoughts.
When ADHD is stronger, I often forget to eat and wander to the computer to finish this or that article, click on something interesting, and emerge from the depths of the internet two hours later with a newfound knowledge of the mating habits of bullfrogs (they are so weird!) and an order for a T-shirt with a unicorn. I finally remember breakfast and eat it for lunch.
AuDHD writing:
The autistic me sits down to write for my job. Every single magazine article that comes from my keyboard probably has ten times the research behind it than needed.
Sometimes, ADHD me jumps in and starts writing five blog posts and a poem at once. Three of the articles get discarded afterward. In the meanwhile, I research a show I would like to watch and check my grocery list. Then I go through some websites (I try to tell myself that they are sources of information) before I buy something on the internet. It doesn’t matter what it was, but I NEEDED it!
Autistic me opens a spreadsheet and writes down the expense, what it was for, and the date of purchase. Then I check how much I have left for the month. Autistic me silently curses ADHD me as it gazes at the balance on my bank account. Then it goes back to work.
AuDHD walk:
Autistic walk: I go on my regular walk to the nearby meadow or through the forest. I try to pick the routes with the least amount of people. I try to avoid eye contact as much as possible. Oh no! I greeted that person and he didn’t greet me back! I must be weird somehow! Was I being too intrusive? I’m failing as a human being! Again. I hide from the people. Unless they have a dog.
ADHD walk: That lady looks nice. I will say hello! Oh, and now we are talking. And I’m freaking out because of my social phobia. But, hey, at least I’m having human interaction! I’m being social! It’s nice! Especially if she has a dog. Ooh, look, a shiny bug! And the DOG!!!
Autism+ADHD (+social phobia): Life would be so much easier if every human came in a set with a dog.
AuDHD goes to a library
Autistic me in a library: *Sneaks in* “Uh. I have… books. To return. And I want to take these books. With me. Yes, it’s a lot of books. Books. Are good. Aren’t they?” I laugh nervously and flee, internally cursing myself that I forgot how to human again. Didn’t I? Yes, totally did. I hope it wasn’t as awkward as it felt. Who am I kidding. It was probably even more awkward.
ADHD me in the library: “Hello! Yes, this book I’m returning is really good. I recommend it. By the way, when does the knitting course advertised on the message board start? I would like to try it. 11 AM? Great, see you!”
Autistic me at the knitting course: After 20 minutes of awkward awkwardness, I sputter something about a family emergency and run the hell out of there.
AuDHD lunchtime:
Autistic days lunch: It’s dhal. It has been dhal for the last five months because it’s easy to make and healthy and I don’t have any executive functioning left to learn other recipes. When I get sick of it, I will force myself to cook something new and then it will be a phase of whatever-it-is meal for the next few months. Before the dhal, it was zucchini with tomatoes and tofu. Before that, scrambled eggs.)
ADHD days lunch: I finish breakfast. I eat whatever was left over in the fridge. (Usually dhal.) Maybe throw some yogurt in the mix. Feel slightly sick.
AuDHD chores:
Autistic me has a problem starting with any task at all. ADHD me as well. (Thanks a lot, executive dysfunction.) Once I find the strength to actually do some housework, I set a timer for 15 minutes and tell myself I can stop after that time. ADHD me starts doing 5 things at the same time. It all works out. Ish. My home isn’t rotting yet, but it isn’t a neat space either.
AuDHD rest and sleep
When I’m tired, autism takes over. I take out my Kindle and read. ADHD sometimes chimes in and demands to change the book I’m reading to another one. Several times.
Then I go to brush my teeth, shower, take my meds, and go to sleep. I dream of the sea.
When I’m exhausted, I fall into my bed, put on an audiobook to drown my racing ADHD thoughts, and fall asleep, fully clothed.
I dream of all the adventures I will one day have.
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This article contains an affiliate link for my beloved book The Artist’s Way, which helps people find their lost creativity. And also for Kindle, which is equally awesome. (All my books in my pocket! Reading anywhere, anytime!) If you buy through the links, I get a small commission at no extra cost to you.
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In the ebook AuDHD Experience, which is a collection of posts from this blog, I talk about the constant inner conflict. About autistic days and ADHD days. About the AuDHD burnout and why it’s so hard to get out of it. About balancing these two very different sets of needs – and about self-acceptance, despite the odds. If you want to feel that someone gets you, this ebook is just the thing for you. Check it out now here!
