Being Autistic Is… 

This piece is inspired by the famous blog post by sci-fi writer John Scalzi, Being Poor. Every autistic person is different, so while these are the little things from my everyday life, yours may be something else completely. As they say, when you have met one autistic person, you have met one autistic person. But maybe you will see something of yourself in the following lines. 

Being autistic is holding your breath when you pass a person on the street so you don’t have to smell them. 

Being autistic is pretending that the way you dress is just your style, so intentional, instead of the only clothes you can bear to wear. Pretending that you don’t really want to dress nice. 

Being autistic is being left out of the conversation because you don’t understand what the people next to you are saying over the background noise. 

Being autistic is trying on hundreds of pants before finding one pair that doesn’t feel like a torture device. And then buying ten pairs of them in different colors, hoping they will last you for a long time

Being autistic is squinting under the bright lights and hoping nobody will notice. 

Being autistic is looking anywhere but their face when your social anxiety takes over

Being autistic is putting your fingers in your ears when the tram doors start beep-beep-beeping, a high-pitched noise, as they are closing. 

Being autistic is people thinking you are half your actual age, and not in a good way. Being told you are immature, childish.

Being autistic is asking clarifying questions when everyone else seems to understand.

Being autistic is feeling every emotion ten times stronger. Having big feelings all the time. 

Being autistic is melting down in the middle of the mall as people watch and judge you. 

Being autistic is being told that it’s all just in your head. 

Being autistic is being told that you have to just cope like everyone else. 

Being autistic is being invisible, then visible too much.

Being autistic is being the one friend that is on the outside of the group, never fitting in.

Being autistic is being laughed at for staring seemingly into nowhere, mesmerized by the way leaves move in the wind. 

Being autistic is finding the smallest, the most inconspicuous ways to stim, tapping your fingers, clicking your teeth, blinking your eyes. 

Being autistic is listening to the same playlist for over a year. 

Being autistic is becoming upset when plans suddenly change. 

Being autistic is pretending you understand. 

Being autistic is being the last one to get ready to go, despite your best efforts, everyone waiting. 

Being autistic is wondering how everyone else is doing this. 

Being autistic is taking them at face value, only to get scolded. 

Being autistic is trying too hard to please.

Being autistic is waiting for your turn in the conversation, and it never comes. 

Being autistic is being lonely. So lonely.

Are you a walking contradiction?

Having an AuDHD brain is a challenge. You fit some criteria for both autism and ADHD, but you don’t find yourself in them, not completely.

In some things, you are the complete opposite of autism. In some ways, you are the complete opposite of ADHD. And you always want two different things at once. You are constantly pulled in two completely opposite directions.

It’s exhausting. And difficult to navigate.

In the ebook AuDHD Experience, I talk about the constant inner conflict. About autistic days and ADHD days. About the AuDHD burnout and why it’s so hard to get out of it. About balancing these two very different sets of needs – and about self-acceptance, despite the odds. If you want to feel that someone gets you, this ebook is just the thing for you. Check it out now!