My mental health has taken a sharp dip downwards in the last month or so. I’m not exactly sure why. Suddenly, it’s excruciating to have a free moment, because when I don’t know what to do with myself, it’s downright agony. It didn’t used to be like that, but I don’t remember how I did it before.
Waking Up Already in Pain
I wake up, and I’m in so much mental pain that I have trouble getting up and going through my morning routine. It’s excruciating, too. Still, I do it, day after day, and I suffer while doing it, day after day.
I have considered hospitalization. If you know me at all, you know it’s a sign that I’m absolutely desperate, because staying in a hospital is HARD for me. It’s so difficult to get used to a new environment and new, often strict, rules, and to be surrounded by people 24/7. When I got out of the detox two years ago, after spending just two weeks there, I was completely useless for three days. I wasn’t able to do anything but lie in bed all day.
My psychiatrist prescribed me a new medication, but all it did was cause insomnia. In the end, my therapist has offered a day care center as an alternative. I’m not sure if those exist in other countries – it’s a day program that consists of many various forms of therapy, including group therapy, but also things like art therapy, drama therapy, etc. It’s a lot of therapy crammed in six hours, but at the end of the day, you go to sleep in your own bed.
When Help Feels Like Another Threat
The main benefit of a day care center over a hospital is that I would be able to stay with my rats. Especially now, when I have recently lost my beloved Rosie, I have a big need to be around them. And the fact that I could stay at home, where I know it, is a big benefit as well.
But also, I’m not sure if I can manage the intense program. I’m able to be around people for two, three hours, but six is a lot for me, especially when they are filled with intense emotions. I also have bad experiences from group therapy from the time I was in a child psychiatric ward. Like a lot of neurodivergent people, I’m a hyperempath, and hearing other people’s problems, often really bad problems, can be downright stressful and draining for me.
When Getting Help Feels Like Walking Into a Trap
Add in that the program begins relatively early in the morning and I regularly need 12 hours of sleep, usually from 8 AM to 8 PM, but I would need to get up at 6 and I can’t go to sleep at 6 in the afternoon because I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep that soon, I’m worried what the sleep deprivation would do to my psyche and my ability to be around people.
Even more worrying is that when I have too much sensory or emotional input, I get into a state that I describe as “overwhelmed”, and the only thing that helps is being at home, alone, doing nothing more strenuous than staring at my plants. I can’t get out of it any other way. But I wouldn’t have that option during the day program.
A “Lighter” Alternative That Still Feels Heavy
But I went for the entrance interview anyway. They asked me to fill out some questionnaires in advance, and the therapist interviewing me had gone over the replies with me. He told me more about the day care center, and I was able to ask questions.
When Missing a Day Means Losing Everything
What I didn’t expect was that they have a strict policy regarding absences. In other day care centers I know about, you can miss a day pretty much without consequences, but this day care center has a maximum of 5 absences during the 8-week program, and if you have more, they kick you out. He said it’s the most common cause of dropping out of the program. And I have the feeling that 5 is way too little for me. Even doctor appointments count towards this limit, and they don’t accept doctor’s notes as an exception.
What Day Programs Promise (And What They Demand)
And then there is the program itself. Only after the interview did I realise how much work that would be. Until then, I viewed the day care center purely as a way to escape from reality, from the pain, something to find refuge in. A place where I can hide. But now, I have realized that it is going to be strenuous. Tough emotional work in front of complete strangers. I don’t know if I have that in me.
When “Too Many Autistic People” Is a Limitation
And they told me that even if they accept me (which isn’t a given), I might need to wait a whole month because they like to maintain a diverse group, and currently, they have a lot of autistic people. On one hand, I understand that they don’t want the program to devolve into an autistic support group. On the other hand, I think it’s too bad when someone needs help right away, as I do. And I think it would be fabulous to be in the program with my fellow autistics. It’s a pity.
I Don’t Know If I Can Do This
Right now, I’m waiting for them to let me know. And I live in such intense anxiety and panic that I’m not really sure if I should go through with it. I’m doubting my decision to do this. If it were up to my emotional side, I would definitely call it quits because I really, really, really don’t want to do this. I’m so scared. But my rational side keeps telling me that I need help, and I don’t have many other options.
I have also signed up for a ketamine assisted therapy, something that both my psychiatrist and my therapist suggested, but they have a wait list for several months. So even if it is going to be helpful, it won’t help me right now.
I Don’t Know If I Can Not Do This
I don’t know if I wish for the day care center to accept me – one part of me really wishes they told me they don’t have space for me right now. But if they accept me and I manage to go, I hope it helps me despite my fears. Right now, I’m pretty desperate. But am I desperate enough for something like this to work for me? That remains a question.
What did and does help you when your mental health is bad? Please tell me in the comments. I would dearly love to have some options.
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Helen Olivier is a neurodivergent writer, AuDHD explorer, and professional overthinker with 40+ years of lived experience in the wonderfully weird world of ADHD + autism. She writes for people who’ve been told they’re “too much” or “not enough,” offering comfort, clarity, and the occasional executive dysfunction survival hack. Her blog is her way of turning daily chaos into useful insights for other neurodivergent folks.
