AuDHD Relationships: Finding Love and Making It Work

Finding a partner can be difficult for AuDHD people, but AuDHD relationships can also be incredibly rewarding. Our natural tendency to form deep connections can work in our favor here. In this case, society’s tendency to treat romantic relationships as the most important close relationships, and the ones most deserving of our time and energy, actually benefits us.

Romantic relationships are the one kind of connection where this level of closeness is not only socially acceptable but also expected. When we find that one person who truly understands us, they can become our best friend, our companion through life’s ups and downs, and the love of our life.

Finding someone who understands our brain 

We often find it easier to connect with a partner who is neurodivergent themselves and therefore has a better understanding of our quirks and needs. Relationships with neurotypical partners may require more effort to understand each other and communicate effectively. Of course, communication is just as essential in a relationship between two neurodivergent people. It’s the foundation of making a relationship last.

How to find the one

I have lurked in many neurodivergent discussions about where on Earth to find that one forever person. And the consensus is this: Find groups of people that share your hobby or special interest. Go to meetups regularly. (Someone joked said that locking yourself in a room with a group of people once a week is how you form connections to people. Nevertheless, the truth is that regular, repeated contact really is how you find friends.) 

That is the best way to meet someone who will share your interests so you will already have something in common. Plus, many of those who share our interests are neurodivergent themselves. And even if you don’t find a partner, you have spent some time on something you love and met people who are the same.

Being friends first is more natural for us

I believe that for a lot of us, the most natural way to find a relationship is to be friends first. You gradually build and deepen the connection until it grows over time into something even more meaningful. And there is no pressure to like someone and to be likeable.

I never understood how people can date without being friends first. How do you even know if you like that person when they are new to you? How do you jump straight from “strangers” to “the closest person in my life”?

Dating apps are hit or miss

Some neurodivergent people also found their partner through dating apps, so that is certainly possible too. Many of them mentioned writing long, detailed bios that were authentic. Just be careful, as there are many people who want to prey on someone they see as vulnerable.

The experiences people have with neurodivergent dating apps are mixed. For example, some people have found meaningful connections through Hiki, a dating and friendship app for autistic, ADHD, and other neurodivergent people, while others complain about its subscription costs, moderation, and lack of potential matches in their area.

Other options include Wable, which helps neurodivergent people find romantic partners and friends, and Mattr, an inclusive dating app designed to make dating less overwhelming.

12 tips for making AuDHD relationships work

1. Schedule regular check-ins

One helpful strategy that your autistic side will probably like is to schedule regular relationship check-ins, once every week or two weeks, to talk about everything that affects our relationship and matters to us. When you keep putting off difficult conversations, problems can build up over time.

With my former partner, for example, all the things we’d left unsaid would inevitably bubble to the surface whenever we traveled together. The stress of being in a different environment would bring everything out, usually at the worst possible time to work through relationship problems.

2. Set reminders to pay attention

For people with ADHD, one of the biggest challenges can be paying attention to the little things in a relationship before they turn into big problems. Many of us throw ourselves into a new relationship with enormous enthusiasm, only to gradually forget the small, regular gestures of care that our partner needs.

Setting reminders or creating little rituals can help. You might send a short message every morning, ask your partner once a week, “How are you feeling about our relationship lately?” or schedule time together before your calendar fills up with other things.

With an ADHD brain constantly buzzing with projects and ideas, it’s easy for our partner to start feeling like they’re no longer important to us, even when that couldn’t be further from the truth. A little structure, a few reminders, and making a conscious effort to slow down and really communicate can make a world of difference.

3. Communicate your needs clearly

Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. Explain your sensory needs, boundaries, and communication preferences. For example, if you need an hour alone after work before you’re ready to socialize, let your partner know so they don’t mistake your need for solitude for rejection. If you can’t communicate clearly when you are overwhelmed, find the time to communicate your needs in advance or keep a handy cheat sheet.

4. Respect each other’s need for alone time

Spending time with someone you love can still be exhausting, especially if you’re autistic. Talk about how much time you each need together and apart. You might agree to spend part of the evening doing your own things before coming together for dinner or a shared activity.

5. Find ways to manage sensory differences

You might love cuddling but hate unexpected touch, or need silence while your partner enjoys background music. Discuss your sensory preferences and find compromises that work for both of you. For example, agree to ask before initiating physical affection or use headphones when one of you needs quiet.

My ex-partner loved dark and cold, while I’m all about light and warm. We had to start sleeping in different rooms, which worked for us. During the day, he stayed in his dark cave while I was in the next room with blinds open.

6. Create routines that work for both of you

Your autistic side may crave predictability, while your ADHD side needs novelty and spontaneity. Try creating flexible routines that accommodate both. For example, establish a weekly date night but alternate between familiar activities and trying something new.

7. Learn each other’s communication styles

You might show love by sharing interesting facts or helping your partner solve problems, while they might prefer verbal reassurance or physical affection. Talk about what makes each of you feel loved and how you naturally express it. Understanding your partner’s communication style can prevent a lot of unnecessary misunderstandings.

For example, I feel most loved when my partner talks with me, while my ex felt loved when someone was doing something for him. Cue much confusion when I cried, and he went to wash the dishes instead of comforting me! 

8. Don’t let small problems turn into big ones

Your autistic side might avoid difficult conversations because they disrupt your sense of stability, while your ADHD side might forget about an issue once the immediate emotions fade. Rather than hoping problems will disappear, make a conscious decision about when to discuss them. 

9. Share the mental load

Executive dysfunction can make household responsibilities challenging, especially when one partner ends up managing everything. Use shared calendars, visible task lists, and recurring reminders to keep track of responsibilities. Divide tasks according to your individual strengths and difficulties rather than automatically splitting everything 50/50.

10. Learn how to navigate emotional overwhelm

Difficult conversations can become overwhelming when emotions run high. Agree on a way to pause disagreements and return to them once you’ve both had time to process your feelings. You might also find it easier to discuss sensitive topics in writing, where you can organize your thoughts without the pressure of responding immediately.

11. Don’t make your partner your only source of emotional support

When you finally find someone who truly understands you, it’s tempting to make them the center of your entire world. But expecting one person to meet all your emotional, social, and intellectual needs can put enormous pressure on the relationship.

Make time for friendships, hobbies, and interests outside the relationship. Having other people and activities that matter to you doesn’t make your romantic connection any less special. It gives both of you room to be individuals as well as partners.

I made the mistake of letting all of my friendships slowly slip away as I had the one person I thought I needed. It wasn’t helped by the fact that my friends aren’t great at initiating contact. Only after a breakup did I learn how unhealthy that was and reconnected with my friends.

12. Keep nurturing your relationship

Don’t let your relationship become exclusively about household responsibilities, solving problems, and managing everyday life. Make time for shared interests, laughter, meaningful conversations, and activities you genuinely enjoy together. Remember that your partner isn’t just someone you share responsibilities with, but also someone you chose to share your life with.

Love doesn’t have to follow the neurotypical rulebook

AuDHD relationships don’t have to follow the neurotypical rulebook. You don’t have to change who you are to be a good partner. You just need to find ways to make your relationship work for both of you, with all your quirks, needs, and wonderfully complicated brains.

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