June 18th was Autistic Pride Day.
I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD on June 18th (1). I was half expecting the former — it’s the result of several years of very intense soul-searching and contemplating and two years of waiting for a very thorough evaluation. The latter was a complete surprise to me.
When I thought about it before, I thought I would cry about it. I thought I was going to think of it as a big deal. I battled mental illness for my whole life. But this is not “just” an illness anymore, it’s a disability. I would be a disabled person.
This uncomfortable feeling has been fermenting in my head for years, growing in size. For years, I have told myself one moment that I was clearly autistic, the next that I clearly couldn’t be, and I freaked out.
I thought that after my diagnosis, I’d write something like this:
“I found out today that I’ve been playing my whole life in the “hard” mode without knowing it. And I have been comparing myself to people who have this game called life set on “easy”. Wondering why I can’t catch up to them. Feeling inferior.
Today it ends. I’ll always play the hard mode, but at least I’ll be aware of it. I’ll be kinder to myself. I’m going to be more aware of how I work.
This realization has changed the story I tell myself about my own life. I used to think of myself as inferior for managing less than others. Now, I can tell myself that I’m pretty damn good at what I’ve done in my life despite such a big handicap.
In the beginning, no one believed my suspected autism diagnosis. My therapist, my boyfriend, my best friend at the time. They all said that I wasn’t autistic. They only changed their minds when they learned about autism. Autism, especially in women, is still an issue that almost no one knows a thing about, even though everyone thinks they do.
If this whole thing with me and autism doesn’t sit well with you, I suggest that you change your perspective not on me, but on autism. Most people have no idea what it involves. And there is a lot of need for it to get into the mainstream. Nowadays, people think of autism as the set of the most stereotypical symptoms, if anything. I was the same. Just because someone is autistic, it doesn’t give them an automatic understanding of autism. Unfortunately.”
Autistic Pride Day Marked the Start of a New Kind of Peace
It felt strange to receive this diagnosis on Autistic Pride Day — a day meant to celebrate being autistic, while I was still processing what that meant for me.
I thought that I was going to feel sorry for myself. At least a little bit.
But instead, there was a strange calm and peace in my soul. I’ve got another piece to the puzzle of my personality. I feel like I can be more myself now, without apologies.
And that’s all.
It’s not a big deal.
It’s not my identity.
I’m still the same person I was.
I also thought I’d finally be able to forgive myself for all my past weirdness. The things that people were mad at me for. Or the things I was mad at myself for. Now that I know it’s not my fault. I thought this diagnosis would be some kind of absolution. Maybe it is. And maybe I don’t need one.
I guess that forgiveness has happened, or will happen. But I could have done it any time before. I didn’t need permission in the form of some formal document. It’s just much, much harder without it. The paper is a crutch, but crutches are sometimes needed.
But right now, I don’t feel like I need forgiveness. Now, I just feel free.
Sources:
(1) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autistic_Pride_Day
Are you a walking contradiction?
Having an AuDHD brain is a challenge. You fit some criteria for both autism and ADHD, but you don’t find yourself in them, not completely.
In some things, you are the complete opposite of autism. In some ways, you are the complete opposite of ADHD. And you always want two different things at once. You are constantly pulled in two completely opposite directions.
It’s exhausting. And difficult to navigate.
In the ebook AuDHD Experience, I talk about the constant inner conflict. About autistic days and ADHD days. About the AuDHD burnout and why it’s so hard to get out of it. About balancing these two very different sets of needs – and about self-acceptance, despite the odds. If you want to feel that someone gets you, this ebook is just the thing for you. Check it out now!
Helen Olivier is a neurodivergent writer, AuDHD explorer, and professional overthinker with 40+ years of lived experience in the wonderfully weird world of ADHD + autism. She writes for people who’ve been told they’re “too much” or “not enough,” offering comfort, clarity, and the occasional executive dysfunction survival hack. Her blog is her way of turning daily chaos into useful insights for other neurodivergent folks.
This blog is based on personal experience and is not medical advice. Always consult a qualified healthcare professional before making changes to your health, treatment, or medications.
